3 Boys, and Loving It!

Top 7 Outdoor Games for Boys

2010-06-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

Boys are full of energy and excitement, especially younger boys. Most parents understand that they need to have a list of games they can send their boys outside to play in order to keep them entertained, and sometimes out of the way. The following is a list of seven outdoor toys, games and sports that boys of all ages can enjoy:

1. Basketball

Many older men will recall days during their youth that were spent at a local gym or at a neighbors front yard playing basketball. A basketball hoop is easy to purchase and they can either be hung on a home bought freestanding. Basketball provides a great opportunity for boys to make new friends and stay in shape.

2. Street Hockey

All that is needed to enjoy a game of street hockey are a few roller blades (or even tennis shoes will work), a couple of sticks, a small tennis or racquetball, and a net. Boys can spend hours pouring out their energy on the pavement at a local school or church parking lot.

3. Skateboarding

Some parents worry that skateboarding may be dangerous for their young children. Boys should not take up skateboarding until they are at least seven or eight years old, but it really offers a safe way to get out in the sun and work up a sweat.

4. Trampoline Games

Many parents will purchase a trampoline as for their little boys. With all of the new safety nets and pads, trampolines are much safer and more reliable than they used to be and there are not a whole lot of sensations that give a boy a smile as big as they get on a trampoline.

5. Ball Games

T-ball, wiffleball, and softball are great activities for a larger group of boys. Almost all little boys love to swing their bats around and play catch with their friends.

6. Swimming

Local swimming pools provide boys with an astounding variety of games they can play with friends and neighbors. Some parents even purchase large pools that they can set up in their backyards. Parents should be sure and watch young children in the pool in order to ensure safety.

7. Hide-and-Seek

No boy is ever too old to play a game of hide-and-seek. In fact, many adults will recall the game becoming more fun when they could play at a local park with their teenage friends.

Boys love to play outside and release their energy. There are many other outdoor games for boys that can be played and everyone can come up with their own list.

Class of 2022

2010-06-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today I watched my very proud six year old receive his Kindergarten diploma. A huge feat considering how much Kindergarten has changed in the last several years.

Kindergarten used to be about paste, crayons, letters and numbers.

My how the standards have changed. Kindergartners are not only learning phonics, but reading and writing. A curriculum that requires dedication and the memorization of over 200 site words.

I'm sure this task stressed me out way more than my son, who moseyed through the lesson plans while I anxiously awaited him to achieve each milestone. His new skills providing definitive ammunition for the next round of "my kid is smarter than yours" (passive aggressively played at a play date near you).

Once your child enters elementary school, you soon learn that you (and by you, I mean parents), and your kid are in this together. Their success highly depends on how committed you are to checking homework and reading nightly. A job that I admittedly sometimes do begrudgingly, with the occasional adult meltdown.

Parenting meltdowns aside, we emerge at the end of the school year victorious (today proven by the huge smile on my little guys face). As graduation season comes to a close, don’t forget to pat yourself on the back (or have a cocktail or two). They SO could not have done it without us.

School's Out For Summer!

2010-06-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

The last day of school is this coming Friday. As my 2 oldest boys are counting down the days to freedom, I am frantically trying to figure out what to do with them for the summer.

Of course there's the obvious choice, camp. However, the cost for day camp is about $100 bucks per week, times that by my 2 camp aged sons, then multiple that by 8 weeks, and you get a mom with a checkbook related headache.

I've considered summer school. Not a bad idea, right? Wrong! Most schools now require that your child be failing or close to failing to participate. It's not a "just because mom wants you out of her hair" activity anymore.

I checked our local parks and recreation, and it turns out they have several summer activities going on, including Martial Arts Ninja training for kids. Anyone who has boys knows that anything with the word Ninja in it would be well recieved. I read the description:

"Price: $45". So Far so good. Tell me more.

"Ages 6-14". Great! My boys fall between that age.

"The camp will also feature modules such as child abduction resistance, assertiveness training, and peer conflict resolution to name a few." If peer conflict resolution means that there will be less WWE worthy fights between my two little WWE stars, I'm all for it.

Then, while I was reading with high hopes, and a summer solution in site, I read, "martial arts weapons training". And all I could imagine was my 6 and 7 year old sons trying to kill each other with nunchucks. If you have spent any amout of time with boys between the ages of 3-50, you know this to be a very likely possibility.

What are your kids doing over summer break?

I'd Like to Thank...

2010-01-06T19:25:00.001-08:00

As I sit here watching the People's Choice Awards, I realize that I have never accepted an award in front of an adoring audience. This makes sense considering that I am not a actress or songstress. I am not a philanthropist, a small town hero, nor have I done anything to inspire peace across the globe. However, that doesn't change the fact that I really want (really, really want) to win a golden statue. I want to sit in the crowd and act surprised when they call my name. I want to stand at the podium and thank God, family, and all the people who made my win possible. Of course I would thank my fans , who motivate me to keep doing whatever it is I'm being awarded for. I would end my speech with something witty (because that's what my fans would expect from me), and humbly exit stage left. I would steer clear from the ugly cry, or anything else snot inducing (but depending on the audience, may shed a single tear). I have it all planned out minus one annoying detail; who in heck would give me an award?

Being a mom is stressful. Surely there should be an award to distinguish the good moms from the ones who suck (some moms suck. Sad, but true). There should be an entire award show dedicated to our hard work (like the People's Choice Awards), with categories like, "Best Boo Boo Kisser", and "Best Last Minute School Project Puller-Offer". Nominees would show up in designer gowns, and walk the red carpet as the paparazzi snapped photos. TMZ would shout out inappropriate questions, and for one evening we would pretend like we didn't spend the majority of our time dedicated to another human being.

Until then, I will continue to practice my "surprised" face and acceptance speech (cause all you other moms are going down!).

What category would you win ? (This is your chance to make up your own award. Don't worry, you're the only nominee so your destined to win.)

You Say Tomato..

2009-12-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong to purposely not correct your child’s pronunciation when their version of the word is SO cute. Having kids in Kindergarten and First Grade, I absolutely understand the importance of pronunciation. Sounding out words is particularly impossible when you pronounce vanilla, “a-nill-uh”. However, instead of correcting my one year old when he calls water, “wah-doo”, I encourage it by adopting his version of the word. For that matter, the entire family has started calling water, “wah-doo”(my one year old has us well trained). Experts say that when your child mispronounces a word, you should positively reinforce it with the correct word. For example:

Jordan (My 1 year old): I want wahdoo! (picture a mini tyrant ((minus mustache)), demanding water with furrowed eyebrows)

Mom: I will give you some water.

The result of this interaction supposedly teaches your kid to properly pronounce the word. I absolutely will not be doing this. Aside from the fact that mini tyrants in my house are made to say please and thank you before getting anything (regardless of age), “wah-doo” sounds way cuter than water (and slightly more sophisticated than wah wah. My baby’s got class.) Why would I want to “fix” it?

Kids grow up at light speed (effectively making us parents age faster than our peers), I see no harm in holding on to words that remind you that no matter how big they get, they will always be your baby.
What words do your kids mispronounce? Do you plan on correcting them?

Dean’s® Dip Dipstakes™

2009-11-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

Pop Warner season is over for the James Boys, however NCAAF and the NFL is still in full swing. When you live in a male dominated home, this means one thing. The TV is monopolized by football Thursday thru Monday. In front of my television are 4 guys. My husband, Head Couch Coach, and his assistants my 3 boys. They cheer, boo, and discuss plays. I do what any American mom would do, take advantage of the Football Snacks. Football is not football, or even remotely enjoyable if I am not being bribed with something salty, crunchy or sweet. Which brings me to the point of this blog (yes, there actually is a point), Dean’s® Dip Dipstakes™! What’s Dean’s® Dipstakes? It’s like fantasy football only tastier! Just like the Jets and the Giants, there are longstanding rivalries amongst dips. Are you a Honey Mustard loyalist, Guacamole diehard (like me) or an Onion Dip fanatic? Vote on your favorite dip while predicting the outcomes of the games each week and you’ll be eligible to win awesome prizes like tailgate party supplies, football memorabilia and sporting gear. There will also be a big grand prize drawing in January for a home entertainment system.

It’s super easy to play and it’s all on Facebook: http://youcastcorp.com/c/77/go/index.php?r=1

Now for the giveaway!

The 20th person to visit Dean’s® Dip Dipstakes™ on Facebook, become a fan, and mention my blog’s URL (www.surviving3boys.com) will win the following:

1 Coupon for Dean’s® Dip
1 Dean’s® Dip Tray (approx. retail value, $10)
1 Dean’s® Stadium Blanket (approx. retail value, $25)

Approximate retail value: $38.00

The 21st person to visit Dean’s® Dip Dipstakes™ on Facebook, become a fan, and mention my blog’s URL (www.surviving3boys.com) will win the following:

1 Coupon for Dean’s® Dip

Approximate retail value: $3.00

That’s All Folks! Good luck, and happy dipping!!!

Currently Seeking Backyard

2009-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

We live in an apartment. An apartment that shrinks constantly as my boys grow bigger. The other day, my two oldest boys were playing football in the house. Casually tossing the football back and forth in the living room as if there were goal posts behind the couch. I (for what I am sure had to be the 517th time) asked them not to play football in the house. Surprisingly, they listened and within minutes the football was put away. However, they traded it for a soccer ball, that they began kicking back and forth.

After explaining my predicament to a (childless) friend, she responded, “yeah, I think kids are kind of like dogs. They need room to play”. I agree (well, maybe minus the dog part. Although, little boys do have a knack for peeing on everything except the toilet).

Having 3 boys, it has become crystal clear that I need a backyard. A well lit backyard that will keep my boys busy from the time they get out of school, until dinner. Included in this fantasy is the assumption that all of the outside activity will make them so tired, that they will want to go to bed immediately following dinner and bath time (if in reality it doesn’t actually work like this, please don’t ruin my fantasy. In lieu of an actual backyard this dream is all I got).

For now, my search continues for the perfect backyard (I’m positive that a backyard will soon be a crucial part of my sanity).

It Could Be A Sign

2009-11-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

My 18 month old son went to bed one night, and woke up talking (or so it seems). He has established a whole new vocabulary that for the most part is food related. He surprised the entire family when he demanded “bri-bries” (French Fries), and left both my husband and I speechless when he requested “McDonalds” and enunciated all three syllables. He can also say pizza, juice, and most commonly, “Foooooood!”.

As I sit here, 3 weeks deep into a diet (that I am convinced will result in my utter hotness), I can’t help but wonder if maybe (just maybe) we eat fast food too often. The fact that my 1 yr old can place his own order at the drive thru gives me a clue. I have yet to order the boys Apple Dippers instead of French fries (because a riot would erupt immediately), so I can’t claim that I make smart choices when eating out. The only logical option is to cook.

Under normal circumstances (normal referring to spending the majority of the day at leisure, watching something corny on Lifetime), I like to cook. I enjoy trying out new recipes, and pretending to be Betty Crocker the Domestic Goddess. However, after work, cooking is the last thing I want to do. Especially when homework needs to be done and the house still needs to be picked up. I’d much rather be waited on.

So far, I have sucked it up and cooked anyway. To my surprise, most days I can get dinner on the table in less than 30 minutes. It actually saves me time(eating at a sit down restaurant is at least a 2 hour process). My 6 and 5 year old haven’t complained much either. I’ve only had to answer one question regarding the change.

“Mommy, when are we going to eat real food. Like McDonalds or something?”

Go Girl, Go Potty

2009-10-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, my two oldest sons had the opportunity to play football at PacBell park, during halftime of an UFL (http://www.ufl-football.com/) game. Like most games, I had the opportunity to hang out with the daughters of one of the coaches. It allows me to experience what life would be like with a daughter (albeit for only a couple of hours).

As we tailgated, the boys were busy throwing the football and running amuck. Us girls were standing around impatiently waiting to enter the stadium, when my faux daughter suddenly had to use the restroom. I was faced with a parenting conundrum I had yet to experience. Parking lots are not usually equipped with restrooms. In this case, the only choice was a port-a-potty (port-a-potty’s freak me out. I would rather get punched repeatedly in the stomach then be forced to enter one. Actually “using” one would be absolutely out of the question). This is never an issue with my boys. Boys can find a tree, bush (on occasion the side of one’s car) and relive their bladder quickly and effectively. In mere seconds, the crisis is averted and we can move on to non-potty related activities. In this case, I could not send the little girl to a nearby bush. Panicked (yes, panicked. This whole situation was new to me and I had no idea what to do), I sent her to her dad. Surely he had a magic solution that this boy mom had not thought of. That was not the case, he simply pointed to the port-a-potty across the parking lot.

I armed the little girl with everything I could think of.

Baby Wipes: They can clean almost anything
Hand Sanitizer: Self Explanatory
A little Prayer: Considering that my phobia would not allow me to get too close to the port-a-potty, she was going to need all the extra help she could get.

She did the impossible, and survived the port-a-potty (with virtually no help from me). Thank GOD I have little boys. I am positive the stress of the potty alone would do me in.

Note to dads: Using a port-a-potty is cruel and unusual punishment. It is NEVER okay for the penis-challenged!

Look what I found: www.go-girl.com

It's a Boy!!

2009-10-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

{The following is an excerpt from my book Surviving 3 Boys. It is a guide to parenting boys, with blog excerpts to keep it fun. Let me know what you think. Your opinion is important to me. Please feel free to Tweet, Facebook, or email this article. The more input the better.}

When I was pregnant with my first child, I could not wait to find out what I was having.

There are several urban legends circulating on the internet that promise to determine the sex of your child before the standard 20 week ultrasound. Some are easy enough, like the Chinese Gender Calendar. It only requires you know the age of the mother at the time of conception, and what month the magic happened. There are others that require a chemistry degree, and an adventurous spirit. Ala the Crystal Draino test. This test involves mixing the mothers urine with Crystal Draino, and observing the concoction until it changes colors (from what I have read, the end result is a smelly, disgusting mess, with inconclusive results). I absolutely do not recommend any test that requires bathroom chemicals, but do recommend you read other peoples accounts of using this method. It is hilarious.

I consulted the Chinese Gender calendar, magic 8 ball, and listened to the random women on the streets who gave their predictions based on the shape of my belly (round and high suggests a boys, and as one women delicately put it, “your fat all over, your having a girl”. She didn’t know I was fat all over before I got pregnant).

I counted down the days to the ultrasound appointment. By the time of the actual appointment we had a full house. My OBGYN was gracious enough to accommodate the crowd, who included my husband, mom, mother in law, and I. We all gazed at the tiny screen, and had the same reaction as the doctor pointed to what was undeniably a penis. “It’s a Boy!” we cheered. My husband, who for the most part is always cool, calm, and collected, raised both of his arms in the air like a ref signaling a touchdown. Both of the new grandparents wiped away tears, and in that moment I knew how lucky my little boy ways.

You confirmed it’s a boy, so now what? Shopping of course! At 20 weeks you’re in your second trimester and still have the energy to do things, like walk (walking during your third trimester takes a bit more effort). Now is the perfect time to shop for your registry. The registry wand possesses powers that can turn any practical mom, into a shopping maniac. Nice to haves, becomes HAVE to haves, and pretty soon your registry is littered with things you’ll never use. I heard a very pregnant woman tell her husband at a department store, “It doesn’t matter what we register for, we are getting it for free”! On the contrary, bad registry items are purchased at the expense of something you would have actually used. Free is also an overstatement. People are only buying you gifts because they know from now on, all your money will be consumed by the little person free-loading in your belly (pity-presents).

Wanting more? Be sure to purchase my book. Coming soon to a store near you.

Things I've Learned Parenting Little Boys!

2009-09-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

1. If you come across tiny underwear and are unsure rather or not their clean or dirty, DO NOT SMELL THEM to find out. Just assume they are dirty, put them in the laundry, and sanitize your hands immediately.

2. Farts are funny. Little boys will fart anywhere (including on you), in front of anyone (including your priest), and laugh about it hysterically. This condition lasts well into adulthood, and is contagious (I’m laughing now just thinking about farts: absolutely infected with inappropriate laughter)

3. Boys never stop moving, and their idle hands are the devils workshop. When not entertained, they pass their time by climbing, jumping, running, exploring, and throwing at Tasmanian Devil speed. They need things to do; your sanity (and quite possibly your home) depends on it.

4. Remote control obsession begins at birth (or close to it). I’m out numbered in my house, 4 to 1. If you are in a similar situation, just give in to Sunday football. It’s a war you will not win.

5. Never ask a (male) stranger for advice when purchasing an athletic cup. There is gesturing and pointing involved, that under any other circumstances would be considered inappropriate (it’s embarrassing all the same).

6. HotWheels are a safety hazard that only effects adults. Stepping on a HotWheel will undoubtedly leave you hopping around in pain (they are the male equivalent to Barbie shoes). Keep an eye out for them, there sneaky and show up unexpectedly.

7. Little boys are always hungry. ALWAYS! It doesn’t matter if they have eaten 5 minutes or 5 hours ago, they’re hungry. Keep snacks everywhere, you’ll never know when you need them.

8. Organized sports (Little League, Pop Warner, Soccer) will take over your life. Your weekends, and evenings will be dominated by cleats and coaches. Understanding and accepting this early with make the experience more enjoyable in the long run. You are now a mommy, and Super Fan (entertain yourself by figuring out ways to embarrass your husband and kids. It works wonderfully for me).

9. The penis obsession starts as soon as they find it (usually at a couple of months old), and if my husband is any indication…..it never ends.

10. They may be crazy, rough, and rude; but nobody loves mom like a little boy!

My Little Petri Dishes

2009-09-28T10:45:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who calls kids human Petri dishes, which for the most part is true (even more so if you have kids in Daycare or School). Kids carry germs with what seems like super human immunity. A runny nose for them, most definitely will result in a hideous flu for me (in bed all day, covers drawn to just below my eyes, cursing all people under 4 feet). Early Sunday morning my oldest son came in my room complaining of a sore throat. First I asked him a series of questions to determine if he was really sick (phantom illness runs rampant in my house, especially around chore or bedtime. Recently my 5 year old son told me he had “the cramps”. I can’t wait to tell him that story when he is older, and completely grossed out by what that actually implies. I gave him some water, and miraculously he was cured).

Sore throat confirmed, Nyquil and Chloroseptic down, all that was left was one pitiful looking 6 year old boy. Clearly in need of snuggles, I did what any mom would do. I snuggled my little Petri dish, breathing his germy air. However, given the chance to snuggle a little boy (who most days would much rather play than humor his mom with hug), is worth the threat of the plague. A few hours later, he and his brothers were running around the house causing havoc as usual. (That is, until it was time to wake up for school. . . .)

Obnoxious Plan

2009-09-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

I sometimes have conversations with my boys that I wish I could record. I’m positive that if retold it would somehow lose its punch, and more importantly it’s humor. However, I am going to do my best to recreate two conversations I had with my sons last week.

Obnoxious

Journey (age 6): Mom, are we (himself and his brother) obnoxious?

Mom: (Convinced that Journey has no idea what obnoxious means, I ask..) What do you think obnoxious means?

Journey: Annoying, and talks to much and loud.

Mom: (Wow, he kind of hit the nail on the head with that one) No baby, you guys aren’t obnoxious.

Journey: But we’re annoying

Justice (age 5): and we talk a lot, right mom?

Mom: You’re not annoying (but you do talk a lot… no way I can argue that)

Journey: Yes we are, remember when you said we were getting on your nerves?

Mom: (How come his memory can’t be this good when I tell him not to forget to turn in his homework) Yes, sometimes you get on my nerves, but not in an obnoxious way. Sponge Bob, and that scary lady from So You Think You Can Dance are obnoxious. Not you.

Journey: Well, I think I’m obnoxious.

Mom: Well, I don’t. I think you guys are perfect

Lesson learned: The older your kids get, the harder it is to lie to them.

You Got to Have a Plan

This conversation took place at 7:30 a.m.

Journey: What did you have planned for your life?

Mom: What!?!

Journey: What did you plan for your life?

Mom: (WTH? How old is this kid... 50? And it’s 7:30 in the morning, way too early for an essay question. What do I say….)

Journey: (Looking at me as if he can’t believe it’s taking so long for me to come up with an answer. I can hear him thinking “and to think you USED to be my hero”)

Mom: To be happy at home with my family, and have a career that I love. (Shameless plug: I would love to blog for a living. Anyone out there looking to employ a sarcastic mommy blogger, I’m ready to start today!)

Journey: That’s it? (what do you mean that’s it?) What about us, did you plan that for your life?

Mom: Of course! I always knew I wanted kids. I just didn’t know they’d be as wonderful as you guys.

Lesson Learned: Regardless of age, when a man asks a “deep question” at the end, it always boils down to them

Ask, Ask, Ask

2009-09-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

Kids ask tons of questions. I once read an article that said the average 3 year old asks 400 questions a day. At 3, both my sons easily beat that statistic. From the moment they could form sentences, the questions have been coming in nonstop, and on several occasions have left me stumped (or laughing hysterically). I made a list of the some of the more “special” questions they have asked.

• How come God doesn’t have a wife? (There is a joke in here somewhere, and If given enough time I could come up with a punch line. However, my son was very serious when he posed this question, so I answered him the best I could: Ask your Dad)

• If God is a corn-dog could I eat him? (Yes, you read that correctly. This is what happens when you tell your kids god is everywhere. They conclude that god is their corn-dog)

• Do cars drive with fart gas, or a different kind of gas? (If cars were powered by human gas; my boys would see to it that I would never have to buy gas again.)

• How come people don’t have bones in their lips? (Because then we’d have beaks, and kissing would be significantly harder)

• How do you sneeze and scream in Chinese? (When I was a kid, I once asked my mom if the Chinese restaurant served “Chinese Coca Cola”. I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree)

• How many people are on earth? (Thank God for Google. 6.78 Billion)

• Can you still live if your head get’s cut off? (I am always happy to answer these questions, because I’m sure in doing so I am preventing deadly experimentation)

If it’s true that kids learn by asking questions, my boys are well on their way to becoming geniuses. I on the other hand, am counting down the days until they can Google there own questions.

Football Mom!

2009-09-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

Sure, my boys play football. However, I am not one of those obnoxious Pop Warner moms. I do not make baked treats embellished with the team logo. I do not wear custom t-shirts with my sons name on the back. I cheer, but only at an acceptable volume, as not to disrupt the other fans. I do not encourage my son to "get" or harm the opposing team. I am, at all times, a model for Pop Warner parent behavior.

Who's that carrying the ball down the field? That's my son Journey heading towards the end zone! (In a voice SO loud the opposing stands can hear) GO JOURNEY, GO, GO! TOUCHDOWN! MY baby made a touchdown! In your other Mom's faces! What's that? Your son hasn't made a touchdown this season? That's probably because he SUCKS!

Like I was saying, I am not one of those obnoxious team moms, and I am happy to serve as an example to football moms everywhere.

Mommy Lapse

2009-08-31T20:37:00.001-07:00

On occasion, one of my boys will say something that causes me to respond like a preteen, instead of the wonderful parent I am. I refer to this as a mommy lapse. Mommy lapses are generally followed by regret, and the desire to turn back time for a do-over.

For example: This morning when I was walking my 5 year old to Kindergarten, we had this conversation.

Son: Can I walk to class by myself?
Mom: No
Son: You're really getting on my nerves!

What I said: Anyways! You're getting on my nerves! (It's amazing how quickly I can turn into a 15 year old girl. I usually save such behavior for when I'm watching Twilight or Saved By the Bell re-runs.)

What I wish I said: You don't say that to your mom (you should say it in your head like I do).
It's rude and disrespectful!

Son: 1 point
Mom: -1 point

There always next time. . . and at the end of the day, Mom always wins.

3rd Times A Charm

2009-08-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am mom to 3 wild and crazy boys. When you are mom to more than one child, your parenting style tends to become more relaxed, with each new addition. Here are a few examples.

Baby Shower Registry

Baby # 1: I registered for any and every baby item I could. Including my favorite must have, the baby wipe warmer.

Baby# 2: I attempted to be practical about the items I registered for. The baby wipe warmer did not get any use the first time around (warm wipes are not important during 3 a.m. diaper changes).

Baby# 3: Onesies , diapers and car-seat (everything else is a luxury). What the heck is a baby wipe warmer?

101.1 Fever:

Baby # 1: Must get baby to the ER ASAP

Baby #2: Give the baby some Tylenol, and call the pediatrician

Baby #3: You figure the baby’s probably teething, and give him Tylenol so he will feel better and not keep you up all night.

Baby Drops Pacifier on floor

Baby # 1: Immediately boil some water, and dip contaminated pacifier in. You can never be too careful, germs are everywhere.

Baby #2: Rinse the pacifier under the sink, and shake it dry. It’s not like he dropped the pacifier outside.

Baby #3: Quickly suck the pacifier, and give it back to baby. (Don’t act like you have never done this before. Saliva is mother-natures disinfectant.)

First Steps:

Baby # 1: I could not wait until baby started walking. I read all the parenting websites, and wanted to make sure he was walking at a developmentally appropriate time.

Baby # 2: I better understood baby milestones, and decided Baby will walk when he is ready (and my gentle encouragement wouldn’t hurt).

Baby # 3: Walking means chasing a toddler around the house; I hope baby takes his sweet time (and by the way, parenting websites can kiss my ass)

Candy

Baby # 1: Absolutely no candy.

Baby # 2: Candy only on very special occasions… like Halloween and Christmas…

Baby # 3: “If you stop crying, mommy will give you this lovely lolli-pop”

Experiencing motherhood as a rookie is fantastic, however I’ve had a blast experiencing it as a Pro.

To you rookie moms who want to know what the real difference is: Pro moms know that there is little you can do to permanently screw-up your kids (unless your Octomom, your instincts are usually right). Sit back, relax, and most importantly… Have Fun. Your kids will thank you for it.

2009-08-15T22:50:00.001-07:00

Baby wipes are amazing! What else can remove stains from clothes, wipe dirt off sneakers, remove all things sticky from little hands, remove make-up, dust furniture, cure the common cold (ok, maybe not cure a cold... But they sure are great for wiping runny/crusty noses) AND be gentle enough for baby's bottom? Seriously, what can't they do?

I am officially nominating Baby Wipes as my favorite baby perk of the week. What do you use baby wipes for? This wipe addicted mom would like to know.

Toddler vs BusBoy

2009-08-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

I have never been a waitress (Aside from waiting on my family at mealtime. Which I’m sure doesn’t count, considering the tips are lousy). I’ve also never worked in a restaurant, therefore am only 99% sure that the following is true. After all, the assumption I am going to make could very well be mommy paranoia. You be the judge.

Am I the only one who has noticed the distinct disdain on a busboys face when children (more specifically toddlers) enter a restaurant? It most commonly looks like an allergic reaction (nostrils flared, eyebrows furrowed, jaws clenched, uncontrollable scratching). Their relationship with the mini patron is very different than that of a waitress. While the waitress ooh’s, and ah’s over an adorable toddler, the busboy can’t help but notice the mess accumulating around the high chair. A mess that he undoubtedly will have to clean up.

Moms have very little options in this scenario.

1. We could try to clean up said mess, however I’m not sure Ms. Manners would approve of any mom being on all fours at a restaurant. Even if being on all fours was for a good and clean cause. (plus, there is only so much you can pick up with your hands).

2. Ignore the mess all together, and pretend as if you don’t see it (perfectly reasonable to me). It’s not like we get to chose this option at home. Part of the fun of dining out is having someone wait on you. In my case, that also includes cleaning up after a tyrannical toddler.

Like the busboy, I too can’t help but notice the mess my toddler makes at dinner. The only difference is, I don’t get paid for cleaning it up.

Stretchy Like a Rubber Band

2009-08-03T08:27:00.001-07:00

I have three babies (well, mostly big boys who I will always refer to as my babies) by way of three C-sections. Explaining the birth process to my boys always omitted the traditional exit route. I opted to instead say, "then the doctor takes the baby out". Both boys concluded that the only way the doctor could take the baby out was by way of some type of surgery.

Recently, I decided to tell them how most babies enter the world. The conversation went like this:

Mom: Most moms push babies out of there vagina.

Boys: (general looks of shock and horror) But Mom, there vagina's would be SO broken!

Mom: (my sentiments exactly, however I gave the mommy correct answer) Well, the vagina stretches so the baby can come out. The doctor also gives the mommy medicine so it doesn't hurt much.

Boys: Why do you even want to be a girl! (smart, smart boys)

The conversation ended with me thoroughly entertained, and the subject remained virtually untouched until recently.

While on vacation, my oldest son Journey asked his much older cousin (26), "Why don't you have kids"? He further explained, "It's not that painful because they give you medicine and your vagina is stretchy like a rubber band". A little taken aback by Journey's knowledge of her vagina, she simply stated, "Oh. Thank You".

Next, we will work on when it is, and is not appropriate to discuss a woman's vagina.

Don't Speak!

2009-07-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I saw No Doubt in concert. I took my time getting ready; cute dress, flawless make-up, and salon worthy hair. Feeling like a queen, and worthy of the Hot Mom of the Year award, I left for the concert.

As the lights on the stage grew brighter, a silhouette of the band appeared. 20,000 voices cheered in anticipation, as Gwen Stefani stepped on stage. Standing in mid drift perfection, wearing low rise pants and a tiny shirt, Mrs. Stefani stole my self esteem.

As she belted out "Don't Speak", I couldn't help but wonder what magic she possessed to have both six pack abs and two children. Convinced that such a combination must be the result of something other worldly, I worked on a spell of my own:

As I eat this garlic fry,
That's sure to make it to my thighs,
Send these calories, grease and fat,
To her tummy, that is impossibly flat!

Surprisingly, it didn't work (but the garlic fries were fantastic).

2009-07-26T11:11:00.001-07:00

Today, I will board a plane with 3 little boys; ages 6,5 and 1. I am not taking the task lightly, and have been training for several days. I've been fine tuning my agility, endurance, patience, and most importantly: My ability to quickly bribe my toddler with a sugary treat, should he start to go bananas. Pray for me, and the other passengers on the plane. This could be a very long two hours.

How do you keep your children occupied on plane rides?

Song Blocker

2009-07-20T08:27:00.001-07:00

Song Blocker: You and your kid(s) are driving in the car, when your favorite song comes on the radio. Excited, you turn up the volume and sing along as if your auditioning for American Idol (you definitely wouldn't make it to Vegas, but nobody would deny your passion and focus). Mid falsetto you hear the familiar call of your child, "Mommy! Mom! MOM!"

Trying your best to ignore your kid (who surely doesn't want anything important. He's not bleeding, crying, or choking), you turn up the radio. However the calls are getting louder, your patience getting thinner, and it's very apparent that American Idol will not be picking you this season. You begrudgingly turn down the radio and answer your child.

Once you have explained the theories of quantum physics to your 5 year old, you turn up the radio to find that your favorite song is over.

You have just been Song Blocked! And your child is a Song Blocker!

Are You Ready For Some Football!!

2009-07-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

Before I got married, I had absolutely no interest in sports. After I got married, I still had absolutely no interest in sports. However, over the years through what I can only explain as marriage osmosis, I have managed to pick up a basic understanding of football.

Three sons and one Pop Warner season under my belt, I am now far from a pro, but understand the elementary do's, and more importantly the do not's of youth sports. As I enter our second season of tiny helmets and pads, allow me to share what I've learned.

1. It is never ok for a mom to call her son "baby", "sweetie", [insert adorable name here] on or near the playing field. Coaches and fathers alike agree that even though your son is super cute in his tiny uniform, on the field he's a MAN! (albeit a tiny man)

2. Don't take your camera on the field to snap pictures during a game. This "do not" also applies to scrimmage games. (This is actually advice I do not plan to take. I will chance the evil stares and admonishments from the refs to get the perfect picture. Maybe not now, but someday my boys will thank me!)

3. Should your son get injured during a game, do not go onto the field unless the coach invites you to do so. Most of the time the embarrassment felt from seeing your mom on the field is far worse than the pain of said injury. (Thankfully, I have yet to come across this situation, but have witnessed other moms stand back while their sons were tended to by their coaches. It looked hard, but certainly not impossible)

4. Most importantly, have FUN. Make friends, eat nachos, gossip about the moms on the opposing team, and maybe even catch a game or two.

The Mom Zone

2009-07-15T18:42:00.001-07:00

The Mom Zone: Mom is busy doing important mom things (cooking, cleaning, twittering, blogging, watching reality tv). Kids are playing loudly and talking, however mom hears NOTHING! She is in the Mom Zone. That's until she is rudely interrupted by, "MOM! Are you listening to me?"

(Disclaimer: Mom Zone should only be pursued by veteran moms. It takes several years to build up the mom tolerance necessary to accomplish this goal)

Toddler Dialing

2009-07-12T19:49:00.001-07:00

Toddler Dialing: Not to be confused with drunk or butt dialing, toddler dialing has far more annoying consequences. As a mother, I am guilty.

Toddler is crying, and generally unhappy with the toys available to play with. No one will let him have the remote, and the shiny key chain with all the jingling keys are out of his reach. Mom (that's me) is tired, and desperate for quiet, and ignores the fact that Toddler (that's Jordan) has made himself quiet with her Blackberry (yes, the Blackberry that Dad has told Mom is not a toy).

Fifteen minutes later the phone rings. Mom answers and has the following conversation.

Mom: Hello

Caller: Did you know your son just called me. I was on the phone with him for 10 minutes, and all he said was "Hi".

Mom: My bad, I'll keep a better eye on him.
(Your 10 minute annoyance bought me 10 minutes of peace. SO worth it. I definitely will not keep a better eye on him)

Caller: OK.

Being a victim of "my child is so cute, listen to him talk" dialing (which I think is worse than toddler dialing), I completely understand how annoying this is for the end caller. I have come up with a fool proof solution for both situations. . . . .

Hang up the phone.

Read All About It!

2009-07-08T08:36:00.001-07:00

Journey (6) has a strange preoccupation with current events. Not that I think it’s a bad thing; any person who can give me Obama’s daily schedule is impressive. However, his love for news media begs the question rather or not he is old enough to see everything. Politics and traffic aside, the news also covers the seedier side of life. Robberies’, murder, kidnappings, not to mention the fugitives on the loose.

This morning Journey announced, “There was a robbery at a store. I have to watch the news tonight to find out what happened”. (He also announced they put Michael Jackson in a Gold Suitcase. Wanting to avoid the question storm that would most definitely follow if I corrected him, I opted to let him believe it indeed was a very large suitcase. How else would Michael take everything to heaven?)

Two Things:

1. What 6 year old purposely watches the news, and actually listens and understands what’s going on?

2. Where do I draw the line? If my 6 going on 60 year old son is truly interested, do I allow him to watch? (His knowledge of traffic conditions comes in handy during the morning commute)

The V-Chip automatically assumes that no kid in his right mind would watch the news. Therefore it does not automatically filter out the news when set to a PG rating. To create this filter, I would have to manually select every news show and channel. Something I would rather not do, but would if necessary (it sounds eerily similar to work).

Parents (and the occasional non-parent reader) what do you think? Is the evening and morning news inappropriate for a 6 year old?

Buy a Mom a Drink!

2009-07-05T16:51:00.001-07:00

This may come as a surprise to you, but moms are interested in more things than parenting (some of us don't even like parenting, but do it because it is required by law). We had, and still have lives beyond diapers and car pools, and would appreciate your acknowledgment and support of our other interests.

It is in this spirit, I declare today "Buy a Mom a Drink Day".

Her kids will thank you

2009-07-04T19:27:00.001-07:00

UPDATE: Jordan has recovered from his bout of Diarrhea. I however, have caught whatever bug he had. I am the new Crappy McCrappington.

Crappy, McCrappington

2009-07-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

For the past several days, Jordan (14 months) has been suffering from diarrhea. (Not wimpy diarrhea. I'm talking about what my 6 year old calls "water crap" mixed with lots of booty crumbs). As a result, those of us who are responsible for changing his diaper are suffering too (not to mention those individuals within smelling distance). Initially I wasn't concerned. His change in poop did not come with any additional symptoms. No fever, dehydration (we've been giving him plenty of fluids), or anything else that would point to a more serious condition.

However, our list of casualties grew. Several pairs of pants, upholstery, blankets, towels and mattress have been fatally stained. Not wanting anymore fatalities, I left a message for the pediatrician. A few hours later, this is the message I received:

"For diarrhea you want to use milk that has no milk sugar in it like lactose free milk. Some foods that are good for diarrhea are: apple sauce, bananas, carrots and the most useful, rice. Yogurt is wonderful because it has active cultures in it and that puts some friendly germs into the gut. If there is blood in the diarrhea, then we have to do another whole sort of thinking. (Um, yeah duh!) Sorry to have missed you. I will try and call you later..."

(We have a fabulous pediatrician. He sees all 3 boys, and always gives practical advice.)

Hopefully sharing this information will help other parents keep there house diarrhea free.

So far, we have tried yogurt and are crossing our fingers for a speedy recovery!

Overheard This Week

2009-06-30T10:34:00.001-07:00

Life After Death

Journey: When people you know, or people in your family die, they live in your heart.

Justice: I know, Michael Jackson lives in my heart

(a brief moment of silence)

Justice: How do I get him out?

Journey: Surgery

During an Epic Battle of Good Vs. Little

Jordan: (yelling in baby babble), STOP!

Justice: Jordan! You can’t talk to me like that. You are 1 years old, and I am 5 years old. That means you won’t be my age until 3, or 4 more days!

(At least he got the 4 part right. I’ll work on the years versus days part later)

Do You Want To Battle?

Journey: Mom, do you want to play Go Fish?

Me: No, I want to relax for a little bit.

Journey: Are you afraid like a frightened cat?

Me: Um, no.

Journey: Run little kitty, RUN!

(What the heck? Was that a threat or a challenge. I opted not to find out and accepted the invitation to play Go Fish)

Perception

Justice: Mom, Do you know who thinks Journey is cool, and who is Journey’s biggest fan?

Me: Who?

Justice: JOURNEY!!

(out the sarcastic mouths of babes. I take full credit for his advanced sarcasm)

Bring On The Chores!

2009-06-29T10:44:00.001-07:00

Understanding that child labor is frowned upon, I wanted to better understand what chores were considered age appropriate for my sons. Our home has endured the hurricane force messes my boys have made, and it only seems fair that they participate in cleaning it. After searching the internet this is what I found:

2-4 Year Olds

help dust
put napkins on table
help put away toys
put laundry in hamper
help feed pet

4-7 Year Olds

Set the table or help set the table
put away toys/things
help feed pets
water plants
help set table
help make bed
dust
put laundry in hamper
help put dishes in dishwasher
water the garden
help wipe up messes
help with yard work (rake with child's rake or plant flowers, etc.)
help clear table

Not quite what I hoped for. I pictured my oldest boys wearing aprons and carrying feather dusters cleaning the house with the same speed and enthusiasm they mess it up. According to the chart, that would not be happening. Chores would be nothing like free maid service. In fact, it seems as if parental supervision is required.

I decided to see exactly what the boys were capable of, and asked them to clean the Living Room. To my surprise they agreed without much protest. 15 minutes later, a very excited Journey and Justice (my big boys) asked me to look at the living room. Emerging from my upstairs bedroom, I was amazed to find a very clean living room. My Tasmanian Devils managed to make the living room presentable in a very short period of time.

I hugged them both and praised them for a job well done.

I was then asked, “How much money do we get for cleaning the living room?”

I responded, “Nothing. You live here, you’re supposed to clean up”.

My oldest son (a budding capitalist), at the tender age of 6 replied, “Mom, no one works for free!”

So much for free labor.

We Will Miss Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

The news of Michael Jackson’s death spread quickly. Within hours of receiving the news, I received multiple Facebook, Twitter and text messages from people who were as shocked as I was. By the time I arrived to pick up the boys from the sitter, their eyes were wide and the first thing they said to me was, “Michael Jackson is Dead”. Even the tiniest of fans (Journey 6, Justice 5), whose knowledge of MJ consisted of two songs (Beat It, and PYT; Which they still believe are new tracks and very hip), were deeply affected by the news.

When an icon as huge as Michael Jackson dies, the world pauses. For us parents, it opens the door for tough conversations with harsh realities. My son asked questions concerning life after death, and most surprising about Michael’s family. They wanted to know if they were Ok, and if they were crying. My boys, who on most occasions are rough, and crass (not to mention stinky, sticky, gross, and generally foul) showed an inert sense of compassion and maturity. Kids truly understand more than we give credit. I’m a lucky mom to have such kind boys.

The conversation ended when Journey asked, “Will we still be able to listen to his music?”.

I answered, “Of Course”.

Justice then chimed in, “Well, that’s one good thing”.

And indeed it is.

Alice In Wonderland 2010

2009-06-24T10:14:00.001-07:00

There are certain movies I remember watching as a child that bring back wonderful nostalgic memories. Disney’s Alice In Wonderland is one of them. I remember being captivated by the smoking caterpillar, and fascinated by the Mad Hatter. Hearing that Tim Burton was remaking the classic with Johnny Depp playing the frenzied Hatter (a perfect movie pairing), I was VERY excited. I imagined taking my boys to the movie opening day, and their reaction to what would most definitely be movie history. That was until yesterday when I saw a picture of Mr. Depp as the Mad Hatter.
Does this scare anyone beside me? (Don’t get me wrong, I still plan to see the movie. I just may have nightmares after)

Per Wikipedia, The film will be released March 5, 2010 in Disney Digital 3-D and IMAX 3-D, as well as 2-D.

Sorry, Could You Speak Up?

2009-06-23T12:14:00.001-07:00

I wouldn’t exactly call it eavesdropping, more like audio surveillance. Most of the time when I overhear other people’s conversations it is by accident. Like yesterday, when I innocently sat at the counter at a local coffee shop. Next to me sat two young ladies having a conversation about life and love. Technically, I could have moved to another seat; however I heard something that sparked my interest. “I don’t let my husband do that”, Lady 1 said. Lady 2 responded, saying “me neither, then again you and I are strict wives. Not everyone is”. SERIOUSLY! I had no idea there was such a thing as a strict wife, or that it was even an option. Determined to find out more, I slowly slide my chair closer to where they were sitting (I even thought about interjecting with a question, but I have to draw the line somewhere). At the end of the conversation the only thing I learned was that strict wife was a metaphor for insecure and people look at you funny when they figure out you are completely enthralled in their conversation. They will eventually move outside of earshot.

Don’t worry. I was undeterred, and given the opportunity would gladly listen in on someone else’s conversation (it’s like reality T.V only better). In order to successfully ear hustle (as my husband calls it), you have to be shameless. One must accept the fact that they are nosy, and will go through great lengths to find things out (being a good parent many times is predicated by nosiness. How else would little Johnny’s mom find out he was smoking pot if she had not gone through his things? It is our duty). Once you are successfully without shame, you can do all sorts of things (like steal your kid’s candy, and blame it on your husband)! It’s very liberating.

Happy Father"s Day

2009-06-21T22:09:00.001-07:00

Parenting boys, I have learned how important it is for young men to have active fathers is their lives. Journey, Justice, and Jordan are lucky enough to have a dad who is not only present, but actively involved.
I recognize my husband has a difficult task. While it is my job to provide hugs and kisses, wipe away tears and lend a compassionate ear. It is his job to keep them out of jail! (According to Chris Rock, if we had girls, it would be his job to keep them off the pole)

Happy Father's Day!

Um, Come Again?

2009-06-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

It is the question most feared by parents. It is cringe provoking, nausea inducing, and uncomfortable to talk about. Answering the question "where do babies come from" requires creativity, tact, and for some a great imagination.

There are common non-truths some parents tell about where babies come from. The stork, belly buttons (still not sure how that one is explained; it confuses even me), the cabbage patch, and variations of the aforementioned. I, like my mother opted to tell whole truths as age appropriate. When my son was 3 and asked, "where do babies come from", I already knew what I was going to say. At three he asked questions about everything and I knew that question was just around the corner. I prepared the following statement, "The daddy plants a seed in the mommy's belly and it grows into a baby". I was so proud of my kid friendly interruption that I declared myself the victor in the sex talk battle.
Everything remained peaceful until about a year ago, when my then 5 year old asked me , "where does the daddy get the seed, and HOW does it get into the mommy's belly"? HUH!?! Unprepared this time (and now clearly losing the battle), I lied and said I didn't know (which wasn't a very good lie considering it was 3x obvious I did). Upon further questioning I vowed to tell him later. One year, one book and one DVD later my husband had "the talk" with our oldest son. As I over heard my son say "so the mommy parts and the daddy parts go together to make a baby", I held my breath as I awaited his reaction. To my surprise there was no fireworks, horns, parades or even awkward silence. Just a simple "Oh" as Journey (our son) moved on to the next topic.

Again victorious, we (yes we. even though I did not technically participate in the conversation, my presence was felt in spirit) planted and danced around our parental flag.

It's My Birthday!

2009-06-17T22:56:00.001-07:00

Today is my birthday. I am now officially enjoying my last year in my twenties. Twenty-nine sounds so grown up, especially for someone who still laughs at fart jokes (What can I say? After several years of being the only girl in a house full of Y chromosomes you eventually turn into an obnoxious 12 year old boy). This year I'm wishing for happiness, strength, and continued SuperMom, Super Hero powers (its the only way I will survive another year).

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's SuperMom!

2009-06-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Call it psychic, ESP, or telepathy; regardless of the name, all moms share the same super hero power: Mothers Intuition.

For example, if my house goes quiet all of a sudden, I know that someone somewhere is doing something they're not supposed to do. These situations are handled with a general shout of "STOP!". I then hear an "OK Mom" in return. (A good mom should also make sure that whatever mischief was had did not create a continued danger. However, I am not claiming to be a good mom, simply super human).
Another great example is ANYTIME I drive past a McDonalds. As soon as my kids start to ask, I simply say "No, you cannot have McDonalds". They respond with "OK". (Trans Fat crisis averted)

There are other situations that are less common, but trigger mom senses as well. Over the weekend my husband broke out the boxing gloves. As I watched my son being laced in to his tiny glove, I could not help but wonder how many minutes would it take until someone got hurt. I warned them of the looming danger, but like most days I was out voted. Not to be left out, I put in my bet. 5 minutes until somebody starts crying.

Even before the last glove was laced, Journey successfully punched himself in the face (my baby is smart, he just gets overly excited sometimes). There were no tears, but it was enough to convince me that I did not want to stick around to see how it would end. It's not like I didn't already know.

Growing Pains

2009-06-15T15:44:00.001-07:00

Is it just my kid that grows an entire jean size overnight, or is it a common phenomenon. My oldest son is 6 and very tall for his age. I recently bought him size 7 jeans, upgrading from his size 5/6 jeans which were hovering unforgivably above his shoes (think Urkel, minus 2 centimeters). He wore the jeans for approximately 2 months, and they remained a respectable length. Saturday he wore them and they fit great. This morning he puts them on, and Urkel leg all over again. I checked the size convinced that he must have inadvertently put on the wrong pants. Yeah…. No. They were size 7; he miraculously is now a size 8.

Thank god it’s summer. My solution: Cut Off Jean Shorts.

What's The Big Deal?

2009-06-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

I came across this quote yesterday.
Gwen Stefani said, "We're just hoping for the best and that he's not going to turn out to be a freak, but we'll see", when asked about son Kingston. That quote has caused some controversy, and I’m not sure why. Moms have several common truths; we want our kids to be healthy, happy, and by all means freak-free.

Disclaimer: Freak is a relative term, to be defined however said mom see’s fit. This mom defines freak as Michael Jackson, Rush Limbaugh, Kim Jeong II, Dennis Rodman, and others (to many to list).

Overheard This Week

2009-06-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

My shorts are 100% codden (he means cotton, however I like hearing him say "codden" to much to correct him). Not codden candy, just codden.
I really appreciate the clarification. I now know not to turn to my clothes for a tasty treat.

Dad: You would call the police on me for singing a song your mom didn’t like
Justice: You wouldn’t go to jail, you would just get a ticket
Dad: You would want me to get a ticket for singing a song your mom didn’t like
Justice: Well, I did used to live in her belly!
Don’t talk about Justice’s mama! He will cut you (or at least try). I’m so proud.

Mom is kind of like a human jungle gym
What the [insert expletive here]! This actually frightens me. Proof that parent abuse exists.)

Justice: Mom, would you eat a bulls nuts?
Me: What?
Justice: Yeah, on that show (I’m a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here) the man had to eat a bulls nuts.
Dad: Son, I don’t think they said that. They said bull’s testicles.
Justice: Dad, that’s bull’s nuts!

Two things. 1. Reality TV is the working parents reward for a job well done. Some are kid appropriate (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Fear Factor), others not so much (pretty much anything on MTV or VH1). "I’m a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here" seemed safe. What I didn’t know is that it would also be educational. Thanks to the show my son now knows the word testicle (it’s better than saying nuts). 2. When being taught an important lesson (such as using the word testicles vs nuts) it is important to keep a straight face. However, as a parent it is often times impossible. I was useless for about 5 whole minutes trying to gain my composure after hysterically laughing. I’m laughing now just thinking about.
This is why I keep them around. Kids are hilarious.

In case your wondering, the answer is "NO", I would NOT eat a bull's nuts (I mean testicles).

Wow, Who Picked That Out?

2009-06-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

I am mom to all boys, so I have never experienced the bathing suit dilemma that moms of girls face. Understanding what is, and is not age appropriate can't be an easy task. I certainly don't envy anyone who has to contemplate tankini vs bikini for their 4 year old daughter.

Today I helped chaperon 100 (yes, one hundred) kindergarten boys and girls at a park with several water features. Boys were in their swim trucks, and the girls in a variety of swim suits. After today there are several things I know for sure, and for those of you who have yet to pick out suits for your daughters please take heed.

1. Low rise bikini bottoms on anyone under that age of 18 is terrible. It is a very slipper slope from low rise bikini to Paris Hilton.

2. One piece bathing suits with cut-outs. Seriously, what's the point? Adult women do it to be sexy. What purpose does it serve for a 5 year old?

3. Two piece bathing suits that are too big. At some point the weight of the water will leave your baby girl exposed. Wardrobe malfunctions at any age are not cute. Crack (and I mean butt crack) is wack.

4. The majority of Americans are overweight, so no surprise that some of our kids are too. If your daughter falls into the chubby category, please buy a one piece. This suggestion shouldn't require further explanation. (I'm already risking the wrath of many girl moms as a type. Wouldn’t want to further exasperate the issue).

Now that we know and understand tot bathing suit violations, I am confident you girl moms will make the right bathing suit choice this summer.

Happy Swimming

OUCH!

2009-06-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

5 immunizations, 1 finger prick, and a TB test is a lot for a grown-up to take, let alone a 5 year old. Especially my 5 year old who is quick to react, and avenge any perceived attack accidental or otherwise. That is why I would like to take this moment to thank god that Justice did not kick, bite, sock or tackle the nurse who gave him his shots.

Zoom, Zoom

2009-06-08T09:55:00.001-07:00

Have you ever walked into Toys R Us and saw a toy that completely rocked your socks off? (I just realized how that last statement could be taken the wrong way. I swear I am talking about children’s toys) There are some things that never go out of style. Good toys (again, strictly “G” rated) are one of them. On Friday, the boys were surprised with an Electric Race Track and Microscope/Telescope Set. SCORE! I am not sure who was more excited, me or them.

I sent the boys into the living room while I put together the race track. Once completed, I peeked out the boy’s bedroom door. As I suspected the boys were seated on the couch watching cartoons. I made my way back to the track, put my car in position, grabbed the controller and watched my car zoom around the track in a figure eight. About 2 minutes into my race, in come Journey and Justice with a perplexed look on their face. Feeling like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I stopped racing and immediately tried to explain why I was playing without them.

Neither Journey nor Justice believed that I was simply testing it out for their safety (not sure what gave me away). As Journey pulled the controller out of my hand and Justice grabbed the second, I left the room pouting. That was until I remembered the microscope!

Future Blackmail

2009-06-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

These videos cracks me up! It's all fun and games until mom breaks out these videos on their first date! ...and believe me, I'll do it!

Sometimes, The Tooth Fairy Sucks

2009-06-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

A very excited Journey ran into my room yesterday with a huge smile, and holding something behind his back. “Guess what’s in my hand”, he exclaimed. I was already aware; his newly toothless grin gave him away. Not to mention he has been wiggling his front tooth non-stop for the past week. However, I played along, claiming ignorance. He then revealed a tiny tooth. I asked if he was going to leave it for the Tooth Fairy, and he replied “I think the Tooth Fairy got fired, because the last time I put my tooth under my pillow nothing happened”. OOOPS! In my defense, we are in a recession and sometimes layoffs are necessary. No one is safe, not even the Tooth Fairy.

The Tooth Fairy was rehired for a one time engagement, and left Journey $2.

Bedtime

2009-06-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

I am always impressed by the stories my boys come up with to avoid bedtime. I have been confronted with mysterious illness and ailments, as well as conspiracies that put the grassy knoll to shame. Although I would much rather my boys go straight to sleep when asked, I must admit that I’m always entertained at the things they come up with. Here are some of my favorites:

“My toenail hurts” (Not his toe, but a single toenail. I put Vaseline on it, and declared it cured)

“There are booby traps in my bed” (My now 6 year old came up with this one when he was 3. It is my all time favorite)

“It hurts when I close my eyes” (Creative! I suggested he turn off the TV as the light from the TV was most likely causing the pain. Miraculously he made an instant and full recovery)

“Criminals will come get me if I go to sleep” (note to self, America’s Most Wanted is NOT a family show)

“Your bed is much more comfortable than my bed” (this is actually true, however that’s because I don’t spend hours jumping on mine)

“My brother always farts when he’s asleep, now my room smells” (upon further investigation I allowed my 5 year old to stay up 10 minutes longer to let the air clear. He was right; the smell in there was cruel and unusual punishment)

One of the best perks about being a parent is that kids are hilarious (the hugs and the kisses aren’t bad either).

Oh, Snap!

2009-06-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband and I watched Prime Time News. There, tucked between Sotomayor’s supreme court nomination, and California’s budget crisis was a story that seemed out of place. Octomom vs. Jon and Kate. Priorities people! When will the media learn the difference between a lead story, and pop culture ramblings. Clearly Octomom vs. Jon and Kate should have been the top story. Sure, Sotomayor and Budget deficits are important to our everyday lives, however does it really compare to the fueds of the almost famous? I think not my friends (and apparently niether does TMZ).

I also found it interesting how I was the only one who thought that “Octomom vs. Jon and Kate” implied a cage match of some sort. I was very disappointed. (My husband thought I should add that I am being sarcastic, even though I felt it was implied).

S is for Seriously?

2009-06-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I took my two oldest boys to see "Up" (my youngest is still enemy no.1 to any movie theater. He is a threat to peaceful movie watching ever where). Considering that Disney is such a huge franchise and wildly popular, I originally opted not to review the film. Disney + Pixar + 3D is a magical equation. How many times could anyone want to read about how good it is. I wanted to spare you the monotony.

That was until I wondered across this review. According to this mom, "UP" was so frightening to her children (4, and 6) that she had to leave the movie theater. SERIOUSLY? True, there is a chase scene. Also true, there are dogs with menacing teeth. However, it's a cartoon! Since when have cartoons been villain-less? "Finding Nemo" had villain sharks with sharp teeth. "Bolt" had the evil cat with sharp claws. Even Tom & Jerry, a cartoon classic (that I still watch and enjoy today) features chase scenes and animals with sharp teeth. What's the big deal?

To the moms credit, "UP" is rated PG, and deals with some adult themes (however, tastefully done, completely not scary, and for the most part went over my kids heads). Also, I am the same mom who told her kids that the Easter Bunny grows razor sharp teeth when children misbehave (don't judge me, I was desperate and it's better than scaring kids with eternal hell fire). So my opinion may be a bit skewed.

I thought the movie was great and my boys loved it. If you go see, it is SO worth the extra money to see it in 3D.

By the way, my kids were completely un-phased by my take on the Easter Bunny, and my lie was outed by my Mother In Law (moral of that story, don't try this at home).

Yup, That's Gross

2009-06-01T08:19:00.001-07:00

A couple of days ago I wrote about my pee perils. I established how small boys are pee bandits, rarely peeing in the actual commode, rather in the surrounding area's. That has to be the most disgusting part of parenting boys, right? Um, yeah, NO!

There is something even more sinister threatening freshly sanitized bathtubs everywhere. Sadly, this threat is not limited to parents of boys. Parents of girls are at risk too.
It all began Saturday morning, while getting ready for the Oakland Zoo. My oldest sons were dressed, and the only thing left to do was bathe and dress my youngest. At one, Jordan spends his entire bath time splashing water all over me and the bathroom floor. It is always a noisy adventure, filled with excited squeals and giggles.

Sitting down, watching Jordan enjoy the final minutes of his bath I noticed that it suddenly got quiet. No splashing, no squeals, no giggles. I did hear a familiar grunt, and looked up in time to see Jordan's wide eyes and furrowed brows. I knew the look, and quickly lifted him up out the tub, but it was too late. There, stuck to the bottom of the tub was poop.
The pee bandits once again were outwitted (out-grossed) by their younger brother.

You Gotta Have Faith

2009-05-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

I once was told that turbulence is necessary to reach a higher elevation. The last month has had a years worth, and promises even more. What I have learned thus far is; that even when the rain pours, to keep from drowning you have to deal with the storm a drop at a time. In doing so, having faith that all this is necessary to reach a higher elevation, gives me strength. This weekend, it has given me strength to have a fabulous time, undeterred (albeit virtually free), with my husband and sons.

Terrible 1's

2009-05-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have heard of, and bared witness to the terrible 2’s. I have heard the shrill tantrums of the terrible 3’s. I have answered the non stop questions from the terrible 4’s, 5’s, and now 6’s (seriously, how long does the question stage last?). What I am new to is the terrible 1’s. My one year old, who just completed his first week as a walker has entered into a realm of non-stop activity. He moves about the house plotting his next attack. No one is safe, not his brothers, me, dad, couch, toys or even the neatly folded clothes waiting to be put away.

In a span of about 15 minutes, I found my son scaling the back of the couch (how else would he get to the blinds behind it?), biting his brother (ouch!), and throwing neatly folded shirt, after neatly folded shirt on the ground. I tried distracting him with toys and handed him a toy truck. His throwing the truck indicated that he may not be interested, so I did what any mother would do….. I gave him to his dad.

Ready, Set, Pee!

2009-05-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

Being penis challenged, I have absolutely no idea why it seems near impossible for little boys to pee only in the toilet. One would think that the target is big enough. Most toilet seats are about 1.5 feet long, and about 6 inches wide; plenty of room to adequately catch a stream of kiddie pee, right? WRONG. I find pee all over the bathroom. It’s on the floor, sprinkled on the bathtub, and don’t even get me started on the collection of pee I ALWAYS find in puddles at the base of the toilet. It is ABSOLUTELY disgusting.

I have scoured parenting sites looking for a solution. I tried the Cheerio’s trick. It worked ok, until it led to other “less flushable” items in the toilet. I imagine the conversation the boys must have had before dropping there toys in the toilet. “If Cheerio’s are fun to pee on, Hot Wheels, and Action Figures must be fun to pee on too”! Needless to say, I had to ban anything besides TP going into the toilet, including Cheerio’s.

I recently tried making them clean up their own pee. I gave them gloves, a sponge, and instructed them (from a safe pee distance) on what to do. Surprisingly, they were equally disgusted, and as a result the bathroom remained pee free. That was until this morning, when in a moment of weakness I opted to use their bathroom (I refuse to share a bathroom with the Pee Pee Bandits), and I sat down without looking. My wet booty was immediately aware that the pee war was NOT over.

Help! Do any of you moms have any suggestions?

Dieting Advice From My Kids

2009-05-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Since starting Weight Watchers, my boys have been very supportive. They have even offered me some valuable advice, and encouragement.

Justice: Mom, your belly is only a little bit big. You only look a little pregnant, it’s because you’re on a diet, right? (Note, I am NOT pregnant. However, I am happy I only look a little pregnant opposed to very pregnant.)

Journey: You should eat only fruits and vegetables, go to work, take us to the park, then come home and eat fruits and vegetables. Then you will lose weight, because that has 0 cavities (cavities, not calories) in it.

Today is Weigh In Wednesday. After taking into consideration the wonderful (and somewhat insulting) advice I received, working out, and eating healthy….. I FULLY expect to be at LEAST 2 pounds lighter. If not, I will not be a very happy momma. TO THE SCALE!

MeeWee!

2009-05-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to be a music critic. It is a secret ambition that haunts me every time I read a music review, listen to a new album, or stumble across a new artist that I absolutely love. I like all types of music, but I love good hip hop. “Good” in the previous sentence can not be emphasized enough. I have been referred to as a hip hop snob, mainly for my hesitance to deem something good that simply isn’t. It takes more than a good beat to catch my attention. It takes a combination of great production, great delivery, and substance. Today, it is a rare combination.

With that said, when I was asked to review MeeWee (Hip Hop for kids) for this blog, I was ecstatic. Excitement quickly turned into anxiety as I pondered the possibility of having to write a bad review. My music critic career could be over before it even began (I realize I am being over-dramatic, but at the time it was exactly what went through my brain). I decided to listen to the CD before completely freaking out.

I downloaded the CD, and called the boys into the living room, for what I like to call, the listening party. I played track after track and with the help of my boys quickly came to a conclusion.

School age kids (like my 6 year old), would probably prefer more sophisticated music (similar to those heard on the radio, or Kids Bop). Of the 13 tracks we heard, he only liked one. The one he did like, “Planet Brooklyn” had a distinctively hip hop bass line, and beat. He was instantly a fan.

Preschool kids would love it (like my 5 year old). It sounds grown up enough to catch their attention, but has enough whimsy to keep them interested. The use of “character-like” voices was something Justice really enjoyed.

Babies and Toddlers (like my 1 year old). Jordan will dance to anything. Classical, Jazz, gospel music (while standing in a church pew), so I knew he would be an easy sell. As soon as the music started, he was on his feet getting his party on. MeeWee is a good alternative for the parents. Nursery rhyme and classical CD’s are pretty much the only options for this age group. MeeWee actually provides the same educational value, in a less annoying format.

As for me, aside from genuinely liking some of the tracks (as opposed to liking it for the boys), the songs are educational, and have a good message. “I Can Be Anything” is a great song that packs a huge confidence boost. Having that song stuck in your head is a great self affirmation (I know, because it’s been stuck in my head for two days now). My favorite track “Extra Cheese” is probably the most hilarious song I have ever heard. I would encourage you to pick up the CD solely for that song.

All in all, on a scale of 1-5 pacifiers, I give it a 3.5 (looks like I was worrying for nothing).

You can purchase MeeWee at: iTunes, Amazon, eMusic, and Rhapsody

$1 Flip Flops @ Old Navy

2009-05-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

TODAY ONLY: $1 Flip Flops at Old Navy. Limit five (5) per person. Happy Shopping!

Coming To The Stage

2009-05-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

For over a month Journey has brought home flyer's advertising his schools spring musical performance. His excitement was building, and as the performance drew closer, so did his chatter. He asked several times rather or not his dad and I were going to make it. We assured him we were, and last night he added a follow-up question. He asked, "Mom, are you going because you want to, or just so I can have a ride home". I answered, "because I want to". It's true, I wanted to go. Not so much for the singing kids, but for the potential photo opportunities (it would mark a great end to my Shutterfly Spring Photobook).

We arrived at the school a full 20 minutes early. I dropped Journey off at his class to prepare, then the rest of the family headed towards the cafeteria/auditorium. Apparently, 20 minutes early is not sufficient time to get a good seat. The front rows were reserved. The chairs had papers taped to the back announcing it's intended occupants. Example "Student Helper", "Photographer", "Not You". Not welcome in the front row, we found the next available seats several rows back.

Soon enough the performance started. Journey's class was up first. They sang, I clapped, then his class exited stage left. I looked at my clock, only 15 minutes passed. 45 WHOLE minutes left until the show was over. Having to watch, and respond positively to others people's kids is excruciating. From the look on Justice's face, I was not the only one who thought so.Watching your own kid butcher a song is cute, watching someone else's kid is torture. I tried distracting myself with my Blackberry, but after several stern looks from other moms, I pouted and put it away.

After the show I pondered Journey's question. Was I there because I wanted to be there, or was I there so he could have a ride home. I scanned my digital photo's, not a single good shot. I looked at Journey, and his pride filled face, then the answer was clear. For the first 15 minutes I was there because I wanted to be there. The last 45, I was there because he needed a ride home.

Weight Watchers Update

Lost 2 pounds!

Baby Steps

2009-05-21T13:55:00.000-07:00

7 years ago, when I found out I was pregnant I signed up for every baby website and e-zine imaginable. I continued the tradition and did the same when I learned I was pregnant with the other two. With these memberships come weekly developmental e-mails, that for the most part allow parents to stress or gloat over how their babies compare to the masses. Example: “Your child is 1 year, 4 weeks old. By now he should be reading novels, and playing violin”. There is always a disclamer though, “All babies are different, and developmental milestones vary. If you child is not reading novels or playing violin, he is not a complete idiot- your just a bad parent”. Around Jordan’s 9th month I started receiving milestone emails regarding walking. Months 10, 11, 12 pass… and no walking. It got to the point to where I refused to open up anymore of the stupid emails. It’s all fun and games when the contents reveal your baby is a genius. A completely different story when it points to the contrary.

Understanding that babies truly are different, and realizing that once he starts walking, the sheer madness of having 3 boys running around my house could induce insanity…. I was in no rush. However, it seems that family, friends, the developmental emails, and the random stranger were all in a rush to see Jordan walk. So, for all of you who have asked on a consistent basis rather or not Jordan is walking yet, you can stop. The answer is YES. As of last night he took 5 steps in a row (although he still prefers crawling). You may now begin the countdown to my first of many visits to the insane asylum.

On another note....

Is this not the cutest thing ever? Coppertone Water Babies Mini Sunscreen. It has a clip so that it can go on your keychain, or diaper bag. I found it at Walmart for $3.97. A steal for the summer, and it's cute too!

Excuses, Excuses

2009-05-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

Needless to say I have been neglecting this blog. I'm not sure rather it's because I'm embarrassed to report that my weaning efforts failed, or it's because my life seems to have been moving at light speed these days. Regardless the reason, no excuse is great enough. Not only am I using this blog to give my friends, family, and the occasional stranger a glimpse into my life, it also serves as therapy and emotional release. It is much needed and deserved me time.

Weaning

Jordan is still sleeping in my bed. For awhile he was sleeping by himself for hours at a time, however I am a wuss and caved to convenience. Allowing him to sleep with me saves me a trip to his room. I think there is a word for what I am describing. YES! I am lazy. I am recommitting to the weaning process, however I'm not looking forward to it.

Birthday Season

Yesterday marked the end to yet another birthday season. My boys celebrate birthday's in Feb, Apr, and May. This means planning 3 parties very close together, and a guest list who is very tired of seeing my evites in their email. Jordan's party was well attended, and the kids had a blast. I admit, I spent way more than I should have. Next year I am planning simple, simple, birthdays. At least that's my commitment for now. I entertained the idea of having one huge party for the 3 of them. My MIL said that would not happen as long as she is alive. I guess that idea is no longer an option LOL. Justice turned 5 yesterday. We had a beach party where he played for hours in the sand. I made a homemade beach themed cake ( I must admit I was pretty proud of myself), and we ate BBQ. Yesterday(his actual birthday), I took a half day and we hung out with Journey and Dad at Bounce-a-rama. For $20 bucks we got admission for two (adults are fee), and a medium pizza. Not bad for an afternoon out.

LAST, But Not Least

A week and a half ago, I joined Weight Watchers. Being a fat mom sucks, and my goal is to lose 30 pound in 3 months. Today is my 2nd official weight in. I cannot wait to see how much weight (if any) I lost. Dieting around fruit snacks, and Capri Suns is HARD. I'll keep you posted.

Hug and Roll

2009-04-22T00:22:00.001-07:00

Have you ever seen the episode of friends where Chandler tries to teach Ross the Hug and Roll? The Hug and Roll is the technique used when someone (in this case Jordan), is laying on your arm or chest and you want to move without waking them. You first hug them close, then roll away. Thanks in part to the Hug and Roll Jordan slept by himself for the first time last night. Once he fell asleep at 10, I laid him in his bed. He woke up twice. Once at 2am, and again around 5. When he woke, I caved and gave him the boob. However, once he fell back asleep, I did the Hug and Roll and sashayed back to my bed. One thing to note is that instead of laying Jordan is his crib which he hates, I laid him on the full size guest bed in his room. This makes it easier to comfort him when he wakes. This evening he didn't fall asleep until 12, and with a bit more protest. Once sleep, I Hugged and Rolled myself out his room.

2009-04-20T21:54:00.001-07:00

It's almost 10:00 pm and the weaning process has officially started. I honestly think that Jordan is pissed off at me. It's as if he is trying to punish me for refusing to give him the boobie. After crying until gagging, and biting me, he is now ignoring me. Instead of sleeping he is playing with toys, which means that he is now officially off his schedule. On the bright side maybe he will tire himself out enough to sleep all night. Just in case I have the coffee pot on stand-by, because I have a feeling it will be a long night. Wish me luck!

Weaning Jordan

2009-04-19T22:23:00.001-07:00

Jordan is almost 1, has 8 teeth and is still nursing. Everything one assumes about nursing a kid with teeth is absolutely true, and often times very painful. For the safety of us both, I am now officially starting the weaning process. To complicate the weaning process, Jordan is a co-sleeper. That basically means that for the past 11 months and 3 weeks a tiny occupant has taken over the bed. In fact as a write this, I am laying in between my husband and son..... trying not to move, let alone breathe for fear of waking the sleeping kid. It is absolutely ridiculous. The whole sleeping situation has allowed me to nurse Jordan on demand since birth. He has never taken a pacifier, and never slept through the night. As a consequence I am sleep deprived, and Jordan is addicted to the boob. I have taken the week off, and starting tomorrow, no more night boobs, and no more co-sleeping. I will blog nightly. Pray for my survival.

Birthday Party Planning

2009-04-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

Jordan's birthday is rapidly approaching. I cannot believe he is going to be 1. I remember so clearly being pregnant with him. What it felt like when he kicked me. I remember the bed rest, and not being able to wait until he was born. Now here I am 12 months later, wishing I could rewind the clock. I wish he could be a baby for just a little while longer.

With that said, enough of the mushy stuff. I have said many times that Jordan's birthday was going to be really simple. Family and friends at the house, birthday cake, done... However, my simple birthday plan has turned into a 45 person, birthday party extravaganza, including catered ice cream sandwiches. How did I get here? Don't I understand the weak economy, and what a complete waste of money this is? I DO understand! But sometimes my alter domestic ego takes over, and all of a sudden I find myself obsessed with center pieces for a park table.

The evite has already gone out so it is too late to back out... However, I will vow only to serve hot dogs, and chips, and not spend any more unnecessary money. . . . well except for a pair of tiny red suspenders that I'm convinced Jordan needs for his birthday outfit.

What can I say, I am a work in progress.