Mommy Lapse

On occasion, one of my boys will say something that causes me to respond like a preteen, instead of the wonderful parent I am. I refer to this as a mommy lapse. Mommy lapses are generally followed by regret, and the desire to turn back time for a do-over.

For example: This morning when I was walking my 5 year old to Kindergarten, we had this conversation.

Son: Can I walk to class by myself?
Mom: No
Son: You're really getting on my nerves!

What I said: Anyways! You're getting on my nerves! (It's amazing how quickly I can turn into a 15 year old girl. I usually save such behavior for when I'm watching Twilight or Saved By the Bell re-runs.)

What I wish I said: You don't say that to your mom (you should say it in your head like I do).
It's rude and disrespectful!

Son: 1 point
Mom: -1 point

There always next time. . . and at the end of the day, Mom always wins.

3rd Times A Charm

I am mom to 3 wild and crazy boys. When you are mom to more than one child, your parenting style tends to become more relaxed, with each new addition. Here are a few examples.

Baby Shower Registry

Baby # 1: I registered for any and every baby item I could. Including my favorite must have, the baby wipe warmer.

Baby# 2: I attempted to be practical about the items I registered for. The baby wipe warmer did not get any use the first time around (warm wipes are not important during 3 a.m. diaper changes).

Baby# 3: Onesies , diapers and car-seat (everything else is a luxury). What the heck is a baby wipe warmer?

101.1 Fever:

Baby # 1: Must get baby to the ER ASAP

Baby #2: Give the baby some Tylenol, and call the pediatrician

Baby #3: You figure the baby’s probably teething, and give him Tylenol so he will feel better and not keep you up all night.

Baby Drops Pacifier on floor

Baby # 1: Immediately boil some water, and dip contaminated pacifier in. You can never be too careful, germs are everywhere.

Baby #2: Rinse the pacifier under the sink, and shake it dry. It’s not like he dropped the pacifier outside.

Baby #3: Quickly suck the pacifier, and give it back to baby. (Don’t act like you have never done this before. Saliva is mother-natures disinfectant.)

First Steps:

Baby # 1: I could not wait until baby started walking. I read all the parenting websites, and wanted to make sure he was walking at a developmentally appropriate time.

Baby # 2: I better understood baby milestones, and decided Baby will walk when he is ready (and my gentle encouragement wouldn’t hurt).

Baby # 3: Walking means chasing a toddler around the house; I hope baby takes his sweet time (and by the way, parenting websites can kiss my ass)


Baby # 1: Absolutely no candy.

Baby # 2: Candy only on very special occasions… like Halloween and Christmas…

Baby # 3: “If you stop crying, mommy will give you this lovely lolli-pop”

Experiencing motherhood as a rookie is fantastic, however I’ve had a blast experiencing it as a Pro.

To you rookie moms who want to know what the real difference is: Pro moms know that there is little you can do to permanently screw-up your kids (unless your Octomom, your instincts are usually right). Sit back, relax, and most importantly… Have Fun. Your kids will thank you for it.

Baby wipes are amazing! What else can remove stains from clothes, wipe dirt off sneakers, remove all things sticky from little hands, remove make-up, dust furniture, cure the common cold (ok, maybe not cure a cold... But they sure are great for wiping runny/crusty noses) AND be gentle enough for baby's bottom? Seriously, what can't they do?

I am officially nominating Baby Wipes as my favorite baby perk of the week. What do you use baby wipes for? This wipe addicted mom would like to know.

Toddler vs BusBoy

I have never been a waitress (Aside from waiting on my family at mealtime. Which I’m sure doesn’t count, considering the tips are lousy). I’ve also never worked in a restaurant, therefore am only 99% sure that the following is true. After all, the assumption I am going to make could very well be mommy paranoia. You be the judge.

Am I the only one who has noticed the distinct disdain on a busboys face when children (more specifically toddlers) enter a restaurant? It most commonly looks like an allergic reaction (nostrils flared, eyebrows furrowed, jaws clenched, uncontrollable scratching). Their relationship with the mini patron is very different than that of a waitress. While the waitress ooh’s, and ah’s over an adorable toddler, the busboy can’t help but notice the mess accumulating around the high chair. A mess that he undoubtedly will have to clean up.

Moms have very little options in this scenario.

1. We could try to clean up said mess, however I’m not sure Ms. Manners would approve of any mom being on all fours at a restaurant. Even if being on all fours was for a good and clean cause. (plus, there is only so much you can pick up with your hands).

2. Ignore the mess all together, and pretend as if you don’t see it (perfectly reasonable to me). It’s not like we get to chose this option at home. Part of the fun of dining out is having someone wait on you. In my case, that also includes cleaning up after a tyrannical toddler.

Like the busboy, I too can’t help but notice the mess my toddler makes at dinner. The only difference is, I don’t get paid for cleaning it up.

Stretchy Like a Rubber Band

I have three babies (well, mostly big boys who I will always refer to as my babies) by way of three C-sections. Explaining the birth process to my boys always omitted the traditional exit route. I opted to instead say, "then the doctor takes the baby out". Both boys concluded that the only way the doctor could take the baby out was by way of some type of surgery.

Recently, I decided to tell them how most babies enter the world. The conversation went like this:

Mom: Most moms push babies out of there vagina.

Boys: (general looks of shock and horror) But Mom, there vagina's would be SO broken!

Mom: (my sentiments exactly, however I gave the mommy correct answer) Well, the vagina stretches so the baby can come out. The doctor also gives the mommy medicine so it doesn't hurt much.

Boys: Why do you even want to be a girl! (smart, smart boys)

The conversation ended with me thoroughly entertained, and the subject remained virtually untouched until recently.

While on vacation, my oldest son Journey asked his much older cousin (26), "Why don't you have kids"? He further explained, "It's not that painful because they give you medicine and your vagina is stretchy like a rubber band". A little taken aback by Journey's knowledge of her vagina, she simply stated, "Oh. Thank You".

Next, we will work on when it is, and is not appropriate to discuss a woman's vagina.