Things I've Learned Parenting Little Boys!

1. If you come across tiny underwear and are unsure rather or not their clean or dirty, DO NOT SMELL THEM to find out. Just assume they are dirty, put them in the laundry, and sanitize your hands immediately.

2. Farts are funny. Little boys will fart anywhere (including on you), in front of anyone (including your priest), and laugh about it hysterically. This condition lasts well into adulthood, and is contagious (I’m laughing now just thinking about farts: absolutely infected with inappropriate laughter)

3. Boys never stop moving, and their idle hands are the devils workshop. When not entertained, they pass their time by climbing, jumping, running, exploring, and throwing at Tasmanian Devil speed. They need things to do; your sanity (and quite possibly your home) depends on it.

4. Remote control obsession begins at birth (or close to it). I’m out numbered in my house, 4 to 1. If you are in a similar situation, just give in to Sunday football. It’s a war you will not win.

5. Never ask a (male) stranger for advice when purchasing an athletic cup. There is gesturing and pointing involved, that under any other circumstances would be considered inappropriate (it’s embarrassing all the same).

6. HotWheels are a safety hazard that only effects adults. Stepping on a HotWheel will undoubtedly leave you hopping around in pain (they are the male equivalent to Barbie shoes). Keep an eye out for them, there sneaky and show up unexpectedly.

7. Little boys are always hungry. ALWAYS! It doesn’t matter if they have eaten 5 minutes or 5 hours ago, they’re hungry. Keep snacks everywhere, you’ll never know when you need them.

8. Organized sports (Little League, Pop Warner, Soccer) will take over your life. Your weekends, and evenings will be dominated by cleats and coaches. Understanding and accepting this early with make the experience more enjoyable in the long run. You are now a mommy, and Super Fan (entertain yourself by figuring out ways to embarrass your husband and kids. It works wonderfully for me).

9. The penis obsession starts as soon as they find it (usually at a couple of months old), and if my husband is any indication…..it never ends.

10. They may be crazy, rough, and rude; but nobody loves mom like a little boy!

My Little Petri Dishes

I have a friend who calls kids human Petri dishes, which for the most part is true (even more so if you have kids in Daycare or School). Kids carry germs with what seems like super human immunity. A runny nose for them, most definitely will result in a hideous flu for me (in bed all day, covers drawn to just below my eyes, cursing all people under 4 feet). Early Sunday morning my oldest son came in my room complaining of a sore throat. First I asked him a series of questions to determine if he was really sick (phantom illness runs rampant in my house, especially around chore or bedtime. Recently my 5 year old son told me he had “the cramps”. I can’t wait to tell him that story when he is older, and completely grossed out by what that actually implies. I gave him some water, and miraculously he was cured).

Sore throat confirmed, Nyquil and Chloroseptic down, all that was left was one pitiful looking 6 year old boy. Clearly in need of snuggles, I did what any mom would do. I snuggled my little Petri dish, breathing his germy air. However, given the chance to snuggle a little boy (who most days would much rather play than humor his mom with hug), is worth the threat of the plague. A few hours later, he and his brothers were running around the house causing havoc as usual. (That is, until it was time to wake up for school. . . .)

Obnoxious Plan

I sometimes have conversations with my boys that I wish I could record. I’m positive that if retold it would somehow lose its punch, and more importantly it’s humor. However, I am going to do my best to recreate two conversations I had with my sons last week.

Obnoxious

Journey (age 6): Mom, are we (himself and his brother) obnoxious?

Mom: (Convinced that Journey has no idea what obnoxious means, I ask..) What do you think obnoxious means?

Journey: Annoying, and talks to much and loud.

Mom: (Wow, he kind of hit the nail on the head with that one) No baby, you guys aren’t obnoxious.

Journey: But we’re annoying

Justice (age 5): and we talk a lot, right mom?

Mom: You’re not annoying (but you do talk a lot… no way I can argue that)

Journey: Yes we are, remember when you said we were getting on your nerves?

Mom: (How come his memory can’t be this good when I tell him not to forget to turn in his homework) Yes, sometimes you get on my nerves, but not in an obnoxious way. Sponge Bob, and that scary lady from So You Think You Can Dance are obnoxious. Not you.

Journey: Well, I think I’m obnoxious.

Mom: Well, I don’t. I think you guys are perfect

Lesson learned: The older your kids get, the harder it is to lie to them.

You Got to Have a Plan

This conversation took place at 7:30 a.m.

Journey: What did you have planned for your life?

Mom: What!?!

Journey: What did you plan for your life?

Mom: (WTH? How old is this kid... 50? And it’s 7:30 in the morning, way too early for an essay question. What do I say….)

Journey: (Looking at me as if he can’t believe it’s taking so long for me to come up with an answer. I can hear him thinking “and to think you USED to be my hero”)

Mom: To be happy at home with my family, and have a career that I love. (Shameless plug: I would love to blog for a living. Anyone out there looking to employ a sarcastic mommy blogger, I’m ready to start today!)

Journey: That’s it? (what do you mean that’s it?) What about us, did you plan that for your life?

Mom: Of course! I always knew I wanted kids. I just didn’t know they’d be as wonderful as you guys.

Lesson Learned: Regardless of age, when a man asks a “deep question” at the end, it always boils down to them

Ask, Ask, Ask

Kids ask tons of questions. I once read an article that said the average 3 year old asks 400 questions a day. At 3, both my sons easily beat that statistic. From the moment they could form sentences, the questions have been coming in nonstop, and on several occasions have left me stumped (or laughing hysterically). I made a list of the some of the more “special” questions they have asked.


• How come God doesn’t have a wife? (There is a joke in here somewhere, and If given enough time I could come up with a punch line. However, my son was very serious when he posed this question, so I answered him the best I could: Ask your Dad)

• If God is a corn-dog could I eat him? (Yes, you read that correctly. This is what happens when you tell your kids god is everywhere. They conclude that god is their corn-dog)

• Do cars drive with fart gas, or a different kind of gas? (If cars were powered by human gas; my boys would see to it that I would never have to buy gas again.)

• How come people don’t have bones in their lips? (Because then we’d have beaks, and kissing would be significantly harder)

• How do you sneeze and scream in Chinese? (When I was a kid, I once asked my mom if the Chinese restaurant served “Chinese Coca Cola”. I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree)

• How many people are on earth? (Thank God for Google. 6.78 Billion)

• Can you still live if your head get’s cut off? (I am always happy to answer these questions, because I’m sure in doing so I am preventing deadly experimentation)

If it’s true that kids learn by asking questions, my boys are well on their way to becoming geniuses. I on the other hand, am counting down the days until they can Google there own questions.

Football Mom!

Sure, my boys play football. However, I am not one of those obnoxious Pop Warner moms. I do not make baked treats embellished with the team logo. I do not wear custom t-shirts with my sons name on the back. I cheer, but only at an acceptable volume, as not to disrupt the other fans. I do not encourage my son to "get" or harm the opposing team. I am, at all times, a model for Pop Warner parent behavior.

Who's that carrying the ball down the field? That's my son Journey heading towards the end zone! (In a voice SO loud the opposing stands can hear) GO JOURNEY, GO, GO! TOUCHDOWN! MY baby made a touchdown! In your other Mom's faces! What's that? Your son hasn't made a touchdown this season? That's probably because he SUCKS!

Like I was saying, I am not one of those obnoxious team moms, and I am happy to serve as an example to football moms everywhere.