Don't Speak!

On Saturday, I saw No Doubt in concert. I took my time getting ready; cute dress, flawless make-up, and salon worthy hair. Feeling like a queen, and worthy of the Hot Mom of the Year award, I left for the concert.

As the lights on the stage grew brighter, a silhouette of the band appeared. 20,000 voices cheered in anticipation, as Gwen Stefani stepped on stage. Standing in mid drift perfection, wearing low rise pants and a tiny shirt, Mrs. Stefani stole my self esteem.

As she belted out "Don't Speak", I couldn't help but wonder what magic she possessed to have both six pack abs and two children. Convinced that such a combination must be the result of something other worldly, I worked on a spell of my own:

As I eat this garlic fry,
That's sure to make it to my thighs,
Send these calories, grease and fat,
To her tummy, that is impossibly flat!

Surprisingly, it didn't work (but the garlic fries were fantastic).

Today, I will board a plane with 3 little boys; ages 6,5 and 1. I am not taking the task lightly, and have been training for several days. I've been fine tuning my agility, endurance, patience, and most importantly: My ability to quickly bribe my toddler with a sugary treat, should he start to go bananas. Pray for me, and the other passengers on the plane. This could be a very long two hours.

How do you keep your children occupied on plane rides?

Song Blocker

Song Blocker: You and your kid(s) are driving in the car, when your favorite song comes on the radio. Excited, you turn up the volume and sing along as if your auditioning for American Idol (you definitely wouldn't make it to Vegas, but nobody would deny your passion and focus). Mid falsetto you hear the familiar call of your child, "Mommy! Mom! MOM!"

Trying your best to ignore your kid (who surely doesn't want anything important. He's not bleeding, crying, or choking), you turn up the radio. However the calls are getting louder, your patience getting thinner, and it's very apparent that American Idol will not be picking you this season. You begrudgingly turn down the radio and answer your child.

Once you have explained the theories of quantum physics to your 5 year old, you turn up the radio to find that your favorite song is over.

You have just been Song Blocked! And your child is a Song Blocker!

Are You Ready For Some Football!!

Before I got married, I had absolutely no interest in sports. After I got married, I still had absolutely no interest in sports. However, over the years through what I can only explain as marriage osmosis, I have managed to pick up a basic understanding of football.

Three sons and one Pop Warner season under my belt, I am now far from a pro, but understand the elementary do's, and more importantly the do not's of youth sports. As I enter our second season of tiny helmets and pads, allow me to share what I've learned.

1. It is never ok for a mom to call her son "baby", "sweetie", [insert adorable name here] on or near the playing field. Coaches and fathers alike agree that even though your son is super cute in his tiny uniform, on the field he's a MAN! (albeit a tiny man)

2. Don't take your camera on the field to snap pictures during a game. This "do not" also applies to scrimmage games. (This is actually advice I do not plan to take. I will chance the evil stares and admonishments from the refs to get the perfect picture. Maybe not now, but someday my boys will thank me!)

3. Should your son get injured during a game, do not go onto the field unless the coach invites you to do so. Most of the time the embarrassment felt from seeing your mom on the field is far worse than the pain of said injury. (Thankfully, I have yet to come across this situation, but have witnessed other moms stand back while their sons were tended to by their coaches. It looked hard, but certainly not impossible)

4. Most importantly, have FUN. Make friends, eat nachos, gossip about the moms on the opposing team, and maybe even catch a game or two.

The Mom Zone

The Mom Zone: Mom is busy doing important mom things (cooking, cleaning, twittering, blogging, watching reality tv). Kids are playing loudly and talking, however mom hears NOTHING! She is in the Mom Zone. That's until she is rudely interrupted by, "MOM! Are you listening to me?"

(Disclaimer: Mom Zone should only be pursued by veteran moms. It takes several years to build up the mom tolerance necessary to accomplish this goal)

Toddler Dialing

Toddler Dialing: Not to be confused with drunk or butt dialing, toddler dialing has far more annoying consequences. As a mother, I am guilty.

Toddler is crying, and generally unhappy with the toys available to play with. No one will let him have the remote, and the shiny key chain with all the jingling keys are out of his reach. Mom (that's me) is tired, and desperate for quiet, and ignores the fact that Toddler (that's Jordan) has made himself quiet with her Blackberry (yes, the Blackberry that Dad has told Mom is not a toy).

Fifteen minutes later the phone rings. Mom answers and has the following conversation.

Mom: Hello

Caller: Did you know your son just called me. I was on the phone with him for 10 minutes, and all he said was "Hi".

Mom: My bad, I'll keep a better eye on him.
(Your 10 minute annoyance bought me 10 minutes of peace. SO worth it. I definitely will not keep a better eye on him)

Caller: OK.

Being a victim of "my child is so cute, listen to him talk" dialing (which I think is worse than toddler dialing), I completely understand how annoying this is for the end caller. I have come up with a fool proof solution for both situations. . . . .

Hang up the phone.

Read All About It!

Journey (6) has a strange preoccupation with current events. Not that I think it’s a bad thing; any person who can give me Obama’s daily schedule is impressive. However, his love for news media begs the question rather or not he is old enough to see everything. Politics and traffic aside, the news also covers the seedier side of life. Robberies’, murder, kidnappings, not to mention the fugitives on the loose.

This morning Journey announced, “There was a robbery at a store. I have to watch the news tonight to find out what happened”. (He also announced they put Michael Jackson in a Gold Suitcase. Wanting to avoid the question storm that would most definitely follow if I corrected him, I opted to let him believe it indeed was a very large suitcase. How else would Michael take everything to heaven?)

Two Things:

1. What 6 year old purposely watches the news, and actually listens and understands what’s going on?

2. Where do I draw the line? If my 6 going on 60 year old son is truly interested, do I allow him to watch? (His knowledge of traffic conditions comes in handy during the morning commute)

The V-Chip automatically assumes that no kid in his right mind would watch the news. Therefore it does not automatically filter out the news when set to a PG rating. To create this filter, I would have to manually select every news show and channel. Something I would rather not do, but would if necessary (it sounds eerily similar to work).

Parents (and the occasional non-parent reader) what do you think? Is the evening and morning news inappropriate for a 6 year old?

Buy a Mom a Drink!

This may come as a surprise to you, but moms are interested in more things than parenting (some of us don't even like parenting, but do it because it is required by law). We had, and still have lives beyond diapers and car pools, and would appreciate your acknowledgment and support of our other interests.

It is in this spirit, I declare today "Buy a Mom a Drink Day".

Her kids will thank you

UPDATE: Jordan has recovered from his bout of Diarrhea. I however, have caught whatever bug he had. I am the new Crappy McCrappington.

Crappy, McCrappington

For the past several days, Jordan (14 months) has been suffering from diarrhea. (Not wimpy diarrhea. I'm talking about what my 6 year old calls "water crap" mixed with lots of booty crumbs). As a result, those of us who are responsible for changing his diaper are suffering too (not to mention those individuals within smelling distance). Initially I wasn't concerned. His change in poop did not come with any additional symptoms. No fever, dehydration (we've been giving him plenty of fluids), or anything else that would point to a more serious condition.

However, our list of casualties grew. Several pairs of pants, upholstery, blankets, towels and mattress have been fatally stained. Not wanting anymore fatalities, I left a message for the pediatrician. A few hours later, this is the message I received:

"For diarrhea you want to use milk that has no milk sugar in it like lactose free milk. Some foods that are good for diarrhea are: apple sauce, bananas, carrots and the most useful, rice. Yogurt is wonderful because it has active cultures in it and that puts some friendly germs into the gut. If there is blood in the diarrhea, then we have to do another whole sort of thinking. (Um, yeah duh!) Sorry to have missed you. I will try and call you later..."

(We have a fabulous pediatrician. He sees all 3 boys, and always gives practical advice.)

Hopefully sharing this information will help other parents keep there house diarrhea free.

So far, we have tried yogurt and are crossing our fingers for a speedy recovery!